Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
Great, now justin bieber is gonna sing a song about chile
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
How unacceptable would it be to bar hop with a funnel in the square? It's Halloweekend and I plan on going hard. I can claim it goes w/ my costume. But I don't think the MIMITW uses funnels.
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
I wish there were birth control emojis
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
And then I told him since the day he walked away to get over what I went through he lost the boyfriend right to ask why my bed is broken.
I take full pride in being the one that broke ur bed. Want to go for the sofa?
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
I think we should have a sex position advent calendar
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
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