call of duty 2 was the straight man's twilight
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
I'm buying drugs in the library...And it's not even finals time. What has my life become?
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Tequila ran out around 11 so she let them do body shots of chips and guacamole instead
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
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