Just woke up with three stitches in my left boob. Nevertheless, I think I'm going to like this school.
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
I FEEL like I celebrated someone's 21st, but really I just celebrated Tuesday.
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
If you are refering to the duckling living in your bath...I can explain, but before I do, can you throw a peice of bread in there?
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
Randomize
