that speech was about as successful as her performance in twilight
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
beer pong: waldo and ernie vs. bacon and eggs... i love halloween
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
I'm back here naked if anyones wondering
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
The strip club incident sums up our friendship pretty well
Like please, take your microdick and try to stick it someplace else. It is not welcome in my world.
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
Anytime he goes down on me i automatically think of you cheering me on. Your a good friend.
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
Randomize
