shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
i don't remember but I assumed it was bad when I woke up with directions from his house to mine already pulled up on my phone
right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
Want to come over and play therapist and then fuck all the emotion away?
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
Btw I thought it was impossible to use up 48 bottles of patron in one night but I was wrong...
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
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