i fuckib htae you, you church bitch.
i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
Nyquil jello-shots aiding in health and happiness
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
just drove past - why are you walking towards the shop in your pyjamas?
Can't talk, on a quest for bacon.
Turns out naked twister is less fun than it sounds. I can never look Lee in the eye again. But Aimee's boobs are glorious.
short story short, i just screamed anal seepage in the middle of a diner.
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
I wasn’t trying, but work got a lot easier and more fun once he starred flirting with me and looking at my ass
Randomize
