Hey sorry i havent responded. i threw up on my phone while i was sleeping
I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
i've decided to use this saturday afternoon to take care of my pube situation
I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
Well the police had to intervene and I couldn't exactly feel my legs by the end of the night, but I'd say it was a successful Friday night.
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
I had jack at 8 am= instant drunk
This is what we get for finishing a whole box of Franzia by ourselves
It stopped being casual for me when I waxed my vagina for you
Randomize
