dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
Senior week was like trying to herd cats. Very drunk cats.
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
Just let me suck your dick and be happy. Let me have this.
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
Can I bother you for a second.
You always bother me but go on.
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
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