my penis was classy and tasteful, i don't know what her problem was.
Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
btw good call for not making out for a pitcher of vodka, this hangover is bad enough
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
Just picked up an ounce of keif and if it goes to waste before the world ends I'm gonna haunt the shit out of somebody when we all die.
I told him to just roll me a blunt and put it in a heart shaped box.
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
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