If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
whatcha mean you cant get rid of genital warts? thats not what my girlfriend says
hey everyone... booty call? my house tonight. bring friends to fuck my friends.
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
True idk how my parents didn't know I was blackout. I ate like 4 pieces of cheesecake and showed my cousins my boobs
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
he would snap chat his dick as like Harry Potter
Our first time hooking up was on New Years and we've managed to hook up every holiday since, I'm hoping this lasts until 2016 just to fulfill my American Holiday sex fantasy I never knew I had
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
Randomize
