apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
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Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
I'm really really gonna try not to at least one night. The 4 day thanksgiving bender almost killed me last year
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found out that hot proper business chick in my class A) did a bar crawl last 2 night and still showed up to class and B) is 19 and C) so not as proper as I thought D) is single. How the fuck does that work? Freaking superwoman.
He referred to our sex as being similar to "Two cheetahs cage fighting" and I have to agree.
hey now, it was 6 bucks for 5 shots. you would have lost your panties too.
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
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