There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
and he thought i came like four times in 2 mins. my leg just kept cramping up
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
All i remember was he was wearing billibong pants... well actually my mom found that out for me.
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
Lmao the neighbor heard yall last night She wanted me to tell you way to finish strong
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
ders ninda duuude pooring goden shots ov glory. I see em an i dont but there hear.
are you attempting voice recognition while drunk again?
Yea not today, I ending up taking a shit behind a tree last night.
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
I think it was a low point but honestly at this point I've had so many that my life is like a valley
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
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