At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
soooo we both peed the bed last night...
not to mention it took an hour of antique roadshow to calm my dick down
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
not sure how we got back down, broken rib says we didn't use stairs
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
For thanksgving we are only drinking wild turkey for the next 24hrs time to strap your balls back on and maybe a helmet
Ps we bought 8 pellet guns just now
end of the world party next friday. virgin sacrifice. tell me you know someone whos still a virgin
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
It's gotten to the point that when I close my eyes to cum all I see is candy crush
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
Get to the bar now. Ryan is single again and every skank on campus that has heard story about his dick is circling like a shark. A cock hungry shark
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