she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
i just made a girl do the walk of shame. as a bumblebee. i love halloween.
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
He pocket texted me while I was blowing him in the car...What are the odds?
Considering how often you blow him,high.
I think I may be stoned foreverrrrrrrrr. The earth has been around for a long time.
he threw up in a solo cup, then washed it out and used it to play flip cup. Im not sure if thats resourceful or disgusting.
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
It's like hey here is one penis enjoy nothing but that for the rest of your life
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
Give me one good reason why I should go with you.
Free beer.
..pick me up at 8.
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
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