Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
ALMOST WRECKED MY SCOOTER. DAVE FRANCO HAS A TWIN AMD HE GOES HERE
Haha sweet. I'm being the Mad Hatter. I'll be drinking out of a tea cup all night. Or at least until I inevitably lose it, break it, or use it as a weapon.
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
Pssh I just bang a girl in a single person tent. Thats like the back seat of a sedan.
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
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