I was totally willing to let her keep giving me blowjobs as long as she didn't think we were in a relationship.
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
our night together was a product of my beer goggles and jennifer aniston-like desperation.
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
The last thing I remember is pushing my way into the bathroom and dumping a 40 on him. We havent talked since.
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
You better fuck one or both of those bitches and bring me pictures that will make me uncomfortable
I can do at least one of those things.
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
spring break - time to see if my two week detoxing gave my liver a chance to recover.
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
Randomize
