My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
she burped and cried multiple times. it was like i was getting head from a baby.
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
alll i remember is comming back downstairs, his pants were off and he was aplauding me
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
I woke up with a pillow, shampoo and a plant in my fridge. Eggs in the toilet, and I was wearing three pairs of girls underwear. What happened last night
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
Randomize
