i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
CONQUERED: Sean from next door. Just wanted to let you know ;)
How many people did you send this to?
How would you go about getting a hold of the country star that you slept with and are now potentially pregnant with their baby...?
myspace Music?
Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
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