I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
Dude, I went home and roller-bladed into her bedroom so I didn't have a 'walk' or shame in the morning..I wouldn't talk to her unless she refereed to me as Brink
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
I'm cheerleading for traffic. people are staring. Why am i the only high person on the way to class?
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
Correction: *I* watched JoJo's Bizarre adventure while he snored asleep on me cock still fully inside me.
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
Randomize
