we have pet lesbian snakes
I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
he quoted Bring It On. It's over.
He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
I remember asking you "need some dick tonite?"
Yeah I guess to me frat party equals penis party. oh the wonders of vodka.
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
It's all fun and games until some random starts jerking it on the deck.
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
Randomize
