giving a blow job on a jetski isn't as easy as it sounds.
you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
and i'm going to kill you for what you did to my nipples last night. of course i want to hang out
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
Ive been thinking this might sound random.. But we need a piano in our house next year specifically for railing chicks on it.
What I do when I'm blackout drunk is none of my business.
Omg one of the midgets from last night just added me to Facebook.
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
Randomize
