He disabled his match.com account in front of me
I just spent $27 on things to pee on.
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood.
Is it acceptable I'm laying in bed drinking airplane bottles?
In our world? Yes, but I'm disappointed yoiu are wasting airplane bottles. Save them for sneaky occasions
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
Damn that brownie almost kicked my ass. I'm not sure if my flight home lasted 10 minutes or 10 days..
can we fuck so we can live up to our nicknames for eachother?
Randomize
