I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
i dont know why he would complain when i touch him there.
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
i think i'd rather have a trophy of a like jizz stained curtain or something
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
omg dinner turned into a foam party this is weiriiid
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
The minute he showed me his Mumford and sons tattoo is the minute i could literally feel my pussy dry up
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
Randomize
