I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
Just once I'd like to do blow in a nice bathroom.
He better not be in your backpack
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
So is seeing the guy's penis that I'm talking to something you're into or nah?
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
Randomize
