I want to make a zoo with you.
We're pre-gaming then going to chuck e cheese's.
If you're joking I'm going to be sad
A freshman just woke up on our back pourch... He swears there was a party here last night but we didn't have one
I haven't even gone in yet. I'm sitting in the waiting room playing a game i like to call "Who else is here for AA".
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
Hahaha it was a great moment in my life. This must be what post child birth feels like, given you don't get a combined asshole/ vagina
Come now. I'm bloody but I'll give you the best fuck of your life.
I'm not sure New Orleans is real. Even the grocery stores sell vodka.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
If you don't respond in the next 30min, I'm going to assume your in a sex coma, in jail, or dead... All of which I've become accustomed to, and will follow the appropriate channels of notification once you notify me.
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
Randomize
