I just saw Ann slam dunk her puke bag into a trash can on Avenue A. You ladies might want to consider putting the Patron shots down and going home.
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
i can't believe i had a foursome before a threesome
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
Is "head down ass up" an appropriate way to say good morning?
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
It true. It written in the Bible.
Yes I remember that, right next to the passage where jesus said unto his disciples, pop molly, fuck bitches amen
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
Randomize
