I never want to see another naked old woman again.
Every time a guy reaches down to touch my vag, i feel really sorry for all the transgender girls who still have a penis there.
That's weird cause every time i feel a girls vag i feel way worse for all the guys who reached down there and got a penis.
Your "OraGel will numb anything" theory was the worst thing I ever believed in.
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
Basically, what i'm trying to say is, if you don't have something, excuse or gift, to satisfy my anger i am going to look you in the eye and piss on the floor.
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
Really, who hasn't had sex on your bed?
ME.
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
My room looks so cute. Who wouldn't want to hook up with me in here?
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
Randomize
