Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
I expect you will be there for a drunken 3way with my husband again this new year.
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
And speaking of good acting I may have a sex tape now
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
Randomize
