I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
Any parent would be proud to have a daughter that's a blowjob fairy
Uhg.. This isn't fair. I just want to have sex with you until i lose consciousness, wake up and start over... is that so much to ask?
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
When I finally came to, I was in the DJ booth wearing his headphones while he was spinning. That's all I got.
Randomize
