Just be blunt and say drink from my dick
i'm going to be honest, my vagina smells.
Is making out on a toilet while he is sitting down and pissing weird? cause that's what happened last night
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
i just watched a video of two girls fucking with a banana and i thought of you.
i hate you
ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
she is like cheap alcohol. you can only get so buzzed before you get sick.
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
Randomize
