just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
You act like this is the first time i've fingered two 17 year olds at the same time
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
Come over we're celebrating the one month anniversary of her first 4/20
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
So I just sneezed blood everywhere. On the upside. After yesterday I feel way more confident AND I give even less of a fuck.
you can't let guys come on your chest and then hog my blanket
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
how much do I hate his dog? was just googling to see if you can rent a hungry eagle for the weekend hate.
Safe to say we should stock up on nipple bandaids ladies
Just an FYI you do have to wear pants to lunch
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
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