I would fuck her until my dick fell off. then i would fuck her with your dick.
That's why girls suck all the time. Blah blah nag nag drama drama buy me things but I won't touch your penis
Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
walked right past julianne moore (on her walk of shame this morning) god i love new york. :)
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
I just found out me and my parents buy from the same drug dealer.
you should get a family discount.
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
He smoked and I was tired so left before we did anything. I literally left him high and dry.
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
You tried to see how many socks you can stuff in yor mouth and I just put on a damp sock. Is this what bestfriends have come to these days???
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
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