you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
i hope chris hansen doesn't have a boat
We had sex in front of Notre Dame Cathedral, but I lost my wallet. God giveth and God taketh away.
why is there an outline of nathan's body on my wall in whip cream?
Just made macaroni burritos. Fukkin awesome. We'll have to try this when I'm sober.,!
We got back from Mcdonalds and literally 5 minutes of being in your room, you wanted to go back because "We haven't been yet."
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
i just googled coccaine effects on sexual performance..maybe im dating the wrong guy
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
Randomize
