We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
He has no idea he's waking up in slut palace tomorrow morning
If Boring and Monotone had a love child, it would be this guy.
I've never seen so much of my blood outside me. After the initial shock it was kind of cool.
I'm pretty sure I went in the girls bathroom and vomited everywhere then looked for a urinal for like 20 minutes
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
I was giving him head and he slipped one of those hats with propellors on top on my head.
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
Randomize
