did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
Nobody is wearing shirts anymore. What is happening.
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
I have finally found someone I enjoy for reasons that do not necessarily include his dick
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
it was like 6 shots in and he was automatically my type
Randomize
