whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
I think I'm going to go home and read The Bible.
The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
If a Romanian girl's marriage isn't considered legal in the US then she's fair game right?
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
Worst walk of shame man. They had a fire drill at 7am, had to walk out of her all girl dorm wearing my Everday I'm Hustling sweater
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
I fell out of the car while it was moving then got puked on then puked and cried about then got back in the car and puked out the window when we started moving again
Just make sure you put pants on
....then im not going
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