Let's make love on the newspapers that declare financial doomsday
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
Sorry really high. We have no lighter so we're lighting the bowl with rolled up paper towels lit by candle which also lit with a rolled up paper towel that we lit with the stove eye
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
I can't wait to see you again. It will be like when we first started dating- but with less clothes.
If youre worried about being stabbed, you probably shouldnt be there.
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