how the fuck did you end up in georgia? you were here at my party dry humping some chick 2 hours ago
so you mean to tell me that there is no way you can get me?
What I lack in compassion I make up for in lack of compassion
I've officially moved beyond college drinking. I just got business drunk at an internship seminar.
Tomorrow will not be complet unless someone eats me out. Just sayin
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
I decided not to eat, and then this man was my fairy " don't black out" godmother
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
Randomize
