my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
I just encouraged Kelsey to make out with some guy for beer so I could take one, does this make me a pimp?
By definition I think it does.
So this is what it feels like to be all that is man.
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
Have you resumed life with the rest of the world yet or are you still huddled in the fetal position while wearing compression gear?
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
it was the most awkward makeout ever. it was record breaking really
...i feel like you have a lot of those.
i'm not too sure if he's up to my expectations looks-wise, but in the penis department he exceeds ALL regulations.
Randomize
