she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
finally remembered how I know that chick in my history class. she made and fed me ramen when I was wasted!
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
I was mid hand job and stopped me because he wanted to "connect" which meant putting his thumb in between my eyebrows and a hand over my heart and closing our eyes...
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
Oddly enough I feel totally fine now. Clonazapam and red bull the breakfast of champions.
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
Tequila Tuesday.. tonight is the night I defeat the liquor.
I have class at 8:30 and I am not bailing you out of the drunk tank again.
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
I would wear his ballsack as a hat if he asked me to
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
