chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
The savings from $3 shots still doesn't add up to plan-b
I slept face down in the dirt because I wanted to go camping?
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
I'm gonna go out on a limb and say it had something to do with pool sex.
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
But we made up last night and had unbelievably crazy sex tonight. I legit went blind for like 15mins from him choking me. It was awesome
The last thing I remember is trying to chug the rest of the everclear, running through a fence, and laying down in the snow. I hurt.
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
How naked do you want me to be?
Randomize
