Pappa wants mamma naked
roommate just walked in on us. two and a half times. the half, she just knocked, sighed, and walked away.
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
15 year-old stoners have those problems. we're college students dude. dont be like that...
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
This is like 50 shades on steroids but with healthy relationship models and mutual respect among all parties involved and lesbian activity.
Turns out end of the world sex is H-O-T, HOoot! I'll be the only progressive lady smiling today
How was jagerbomb pong?
It was like communism. Great in theory. Terrible when put into practice
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
so he found out i have him as "average size" in my phone. fair to say we arnt going to be dating anymore
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
Randomize
