Help. Asians are flirting in front of me(773): They speak asian
She has some nice fakeys. She is also an exotic entrepreneur.
I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
please come you make the beer taste better
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
I hate that we are older than the real world people now
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize
