There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us.
I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
we left the music on while we were fucking. some kanye west song started playing and he started to cry
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
He’s like Batman if Batman went down on me and gave me multiple toe curling orgasms. He left without saying a word before I pulled the pillow off my face
Find out if he’s shared his techniques with a friend and set me up with him. You know I’ve always had a thing for Robin!!!!
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