I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
you asked "if this appropriate to take the the bathroom?" while holding up a bottle of vodka when you went to pee.
Ok, it is technically a gay bar but it's a total dive w/ strong drinks. The important thing is you can start drinking at 11:00 am without judgement
oh oh oh, and apparently you can bring in your own snacks. Some old dude just gave me cashews and cheetos.
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
spring break - time to see if my two week detoxing gave my liver a chance to recover.
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
Can you repeat that, but with context?
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
Randomize
