I think the imperative here is that I literally knocked down a sorority house with the force of my dick.
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
speaking of graduation plans, i'm blacked out eating sausage
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
I'm just high and in my robe and I would suck a dick for some pizza rolls. I can't talk about your problems right now
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
Instead of getting a taxi some gay black guy drove us home. He is trying to break into the taxi business
Way to promote small business.
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
Randomize
