what, no i told him that it wasnt nessesary to put all 5 fingers in my vagina
Well, I'm a guy so I don't have one, but if its anything like the inside of my nose, yes, vodka would burn.
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
Yeah. Fortunately, the road to Hell is paved with naked 21 year old girls.
Which beats the fuck out of good intentions.
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
i talked to you about this last night, and you kept saying "he wants yo pusssaayyyyyy"
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
I'm just the girl with the breathalyzer keychain, and I embrace that.
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
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