I need to stop coming to work sober
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
I think its only fitting my first purchase with my student loan is a glass pipe? I think ill name it 'Subsidized'
she's crying and begging for her chapstick and insisting on walking home...her every thursday ritual
OH YEAH AND FORGOT TO THANK YOU FOR THE lack of WARNING THAT HE WASN'T CIRCUMSIZED.
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
I do have a life. It just consists of making scarves and chesse straws now
She yelled "taste the gay rainbow" in a biker bar. She's either brave or fuckin stupid.
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
in a meeting in my bathtub while predrinkin for tonight. technology.
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
