i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
i just googled "who won the civil war" . how can i still have a 97% in this class?
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
You peed in my camelbak and said it was a reverse catheter. Not cool.
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
Would nail polish remover take gorilla glue off my nipples? We had a strange night.
After last night I think its official. Deep down, we like alcohol more than we like women.
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
He just started dry humping the air... I'm done
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
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