I wanted to google "huge banana" but I'm pretty sure all I'd get is dick pictures.
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
I think I'm pregnant again.
or as we call it, thursday.
Can you explain the Transformers set up for battle in my living room?
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
I honestly think sometimes all you need is a $2 alcoholic punch poured from a jug into a big glass to feel better. I guess abblebees is my new problematic fav
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