My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
Its not chugging if its just one gulp
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
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