ugh, today is just one of those 'get high before your 8am class' days.
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
I wish my dick could take responsibilities for his own actions
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I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
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Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
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