Do ugly people know they are ugly?
The quiet ones do.
Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
I just ate four packages of Swiss Rolls. Being high and on food stamps is AHmazing.
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
he was inside of, then got up said "we don't want you having a baby," grabbed his car keys and left. so now i'm just sitting on his bed, wondering if he's coming back.
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
all i know is there's a picture on my phone of him wearing my purple sweatpants and licking the bottom of my foot.
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
Randomize
