The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
Im going to bring a boy home tonight, and not tell him that I have my period. So when he tries to fuck me, I say no, and look really classy. Then he thinks I'm marriage material. So I give him head.
i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
It's so cute when the exchange student uses "blowjob" as a verb.
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
And then he posed under the bed and said, "you should draw me like one of your french girls." Why do they keep giving this kid drugs?
We had sex in the bathroom. Good sex. Toilet breaking sex.
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
I felt like I was having sex with Joffrey from Game of Thrones. Needless to say how bad it was
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
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