Oh just a soda. I'm "driving"
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
driving around with you guys listening to the beach boys made me very concious of how white you all are.
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
It's been a year of occasional hook ups....this was bound to happen sometime even with your jank ovary schedule.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
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