Three words: puerto rican gang bang
blowing a .13 at 10 AM isn't nearly as cool as I thought it would be.
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
She fell down no less than 4 times while we were at the club. One of which was while she was in the bathroom stall next to me.
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
A big dick and how quickly they respond to snapchat is all I look for in a guy
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
she is legit trying to fuck me to death between her and work i haven't slept in 3 days and have at least 16 hours to go before sleep is a possibility. can i crash at your place she doesnt know where you live
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
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