see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
Im watching him eat cream cheese and hot dog buns.
sea world and a strip club? BEST DAY EVER!
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
You took his virginity and then he got lost on his way back to his hotel room... We found him at 3am sitting on the sidewalk crying. Kudos.
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
Randomize
