i was unaware that anal sex sometimes ends with shit on the bed.
Just turned elections for the sorority into a drinking game. Right on.
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
i'm going through the NYU 2014 group looking for future drunken hookups. too slutty?
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jess passed out on the pong table. it was depressing until we started singing shania twain an hour later and heard her muffled voice singing along.
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
He made me a period mix..should I back out now?
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
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Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
Have I showed you the picture of my vagina with a little bang flag coming out of it?
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
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