You and your empty threats of no sex. Like.u.cud.hold.out.
I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
He' s half Black and half Italian, I finally asked...this penis maybe one for the records.
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
I specifically remember rubbing my eyes thinking I could definitely go blind and I really like came to terms with it I was like ok my other senses will develop this is fine
Sharknado 3 is going to bring us to alcoghol poisonign
I just wanted a bootycall and now somehow I'm at his parents playing dominoes. But they have tequila so it's cool
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
Randomize
