i think the next time he gets me off i'm going to scream bangarang
ru fi oooo
is it bad that listening to the rabbi's wife talk about how we should only be with one person is making me really, really horny for no string attached sex
The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
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in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
I have hit the ultimate fuck buddy status. We pulled over in a construction zone to have a quickie.
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