Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
his dad came out and found me sleeping indian style on the couch with my cup balancing on my boobs. didn't spill a drop.
you told that cab driver that when the 3 of us come togehter it means happiness and love
I am still STD free so as far as I am concerned I never went to panama.
He was president of his frat and had a clap on disco ball in his room... or course I slept with him
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
Thanks for that golden cinnamony goodness that flowed from your fake tits last night haha
Two really nice girls helped clean the taco out of my hair.
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
Randomize
