As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
whenever I think of his sister, I just picture a chick with a huge beard
The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
If we have to be apart I understand. Being separated is probably best for our relationship now. I look forward to our booty calls.
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
I don't drink during the week.... well, except for Bailey's Tuesdays, which I have to start implementing further.
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
No, i went to get it done but the guy couldnt find it. exhibit A of why i wanted a clit piercing in the first place.
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
I want to lick his teeth again. Is that a creepy thing to say?
See? I told you no boy in roller skates could be entirely straight.
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
Shia just rubbed his beard the way I do all the time and maybe he's my soul sister. This live stream is life changing.
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
Randomize
